Why yes, that title is a “Where’s Waldo” homage.  Thanks for noticing.  I digress…I’m powering through Thoreau’s Walden right now.  I was inspired to pick it up again because I’m also reading The Happiness Project.  I know the correlation seems weak on the surface, but the way my mind works it makes perfect sense.  I say “powering through” because it’s not a light read.  Every sentence, every page, takes an enormous amount of brain power.  Some, actually most of it, is verbose, but it’s the beauty of those occasional, quotable prose that make it worth the time.  I spend so much of my day thinking surface thoughts…what time do we need to leave, what’s for dinner, what bills do I pay, chores to do, texts to send; it’s a welcome workout for my atrophied brain.

But how do I assimilate the words from the quiet solitude of a single, 30-something author with the stark reality of an abundantly active and noisy house?  The more I read about his calm and solitude, the more anxious I get about the chaos around me.  As I read I think “I’m going to appreciate life.  Be serene.  I’ll probably glow with happiness…probably.” And then I put my lovely Walden book down, take the last sips of my luke-warm flavored coffee, unfurl my tucked legs and re-enter life like a…well, feels most like a bull in a china shop to be honest.    A life where my inner Wald-zen dialogue is forcibly downed-out by my external dialogue of “Stop yelling at your sister!”  “If you pin the dog down one more time…”  Or the consistent drone and ever-present background hum of “mom mom mom mom mom mom…” like the soft sputter of a boat motor trolling in the quietness of early morning.  And I am grumbling under my breath “DON’T YOU KNOW I AM ZEN!!  I AM ZEN DAMN IT!”  (Ok , so maybe I might say some version of that out loud too.  But it comes out in a more poetic, linguistic genius-type sentence like “STOP IT!!  STOP IT NOW!”)

But here’s the thing I know to be true in theory, but have yet to put into practice.  Peace is internal.  I, on the other hand, am only able to be zen-able (I think I might copyright that) if my external environment is quiet.  So, in a nutshell, I’m writing to say I am leaving and will be living forevermore in the spa at the Ritz Carlton.  Ahhh…zen.

Ok, so when Plan A of externally fortifying my zen doesn’t pan out, as my dearest husband assured me it would not, (there’s not enough Marriott reward points to sustain that plan) then what is Plan B?  Honestly, I didn’t have a Plan B…kind of thought Plan A was the only life line.  I focused hard on Plan A.  Complained about not having access to Plan A.  I whined.  I lay listless in tv-binge-worthy stillness, willing my environment (ie – everyone and everything BUT me) to get with the program.  IF ONLY my kids, house, husband, dog, etc would…(blank)…THEN I’d feel calm.  Then I’d find peace of mind and be happy.

But if I could pull one of my favorite quotes so far from Walden it would be…

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor.” (Thoreau)

And after reading this, I thought of another one of my favorite quotes, “No matter where you go, there you are.”  (I AM hard-pressed to think I would be the same “me” if I lived at the spa at the Ritz, but no matter…) So now I go forward with a new plan.  A plan where I turn my focus inward.  I cannot control what is around me, but I can deliberately choose (ie – make a conscious endeavor) to react differently to my environment.  I’m not saying this makes life perfect, but I guess I’ve realized I either have the choice to cling desperately to the Plan A OR I can be ok with Plan B, C, D, etc…and CREATE that space, internally, that gives me peace.  Sounds a bit hokey, I know.  But I am not a 30-something, single, wandering author.  Not that I won’t ever have those wonderful, peaceful moments of warm kid snuggles or quiet moments with my husband when all are asleep, but I guess I’m saying I am going to try harder to accept that, when things are a hurricane of activities, voices and chaos around me, I can still find that quite center somewhere inside of me.  My own, personal, Walden Pond o’ Peace (& Quiet).