Inspiration

In all honesty this is more posting a question into the social media void in the hopes of an answer from those who have traversed this rocky road successfully and found solid footing on the other side. I know the answer is something along the lines of “keep moving forward” or “baby steps, focus on the now” or “have faith”. I know this, but it’ll take a little bit to let it sink in.

I am sorry I haven’t kept up my end of the bargain when it comes to this blog. It’s not you, it’s me. (That’s my attempt at humor. How’d I do?)

I am injured. And mad, sad, disheartened, embarrassed and a million other things. I gave up, briefly, because the goal I thought I wanted to reach seemed to be outrunning me and leaving me in it’s dust.

Three weeks ago, on 14th I went for a morning walk. Up until then I had stuck with my plan of walking and adding more time each week. I was up to doing 60 minutes and pretty proud of myself. I told my family I was going to walk up to our gym at the front of our neighborhood and then walk on the treadmill for bit. I’d call them if I needed a ride back home – due to rain or sore muscles. Half way to the front I decided it might be time to start jogging (remember this post where I talked about wanting to jog but trying to be patient). I started by just jogging in-between driveways. I’d jog from one driveway to the next, then walk for the next 2-3. As I neared the front I was feeling energized and started to jog for longer periods of time.

Heeeyyy…still feeling pretty good. I can do this.

I had a surge of pride and continued past the clubhouse and decided to keep going. I jogged right out of my neighborhood and started down the main road. Music was pumping in my ears and it started to rain just a little – I’m not going to lie, I felt a little like Rocky. It was cool. I jogged all the way down to the clock tower and jogged most of the way back (about 5 miles). Jogged, not walked. My longest run to date! I was beaming and thought “I might actually be able to do this half marathon!” It was a very proud moment for me.

But then the leg pain started. Not during the jog, mind you, because I would’ve listened to my body and slowed to a walk, but afterwards. It started as an ache in my shin but on Monday I went for my first walk/jog with a new running group and as soon as I took my first jogging step…I knew. I was injured. I came home in tears. Even though I have only tried walking twice over the past three weeks the pain has gotten progressively worse and I am now limping around my house and taking Advil to try to alleviate the pain.

My best friend said to me “Maybe you’re not a runner.” And that makes me sad. Even to write it. Because truth is, I really did like it and it was something I was very proud of. I’m not sad it was said to me (it needed to be said because many of my loved ones were starting to think it), I’m sad because of the reality of it. I’ve gotten shin splints (or shin pain) since Jr. High. It’s always been a thing for me. So I am looking at seeing an orthopedic doctor to see if I can get some answers. I’m still hopeful there’s a “fix” or a technique I could use to stop the injury from occurring. But truth is, in the past two years I have fractured my foot and had to endure countless days of pain in my shins from running. Even so, it feels like quitting.

I am in no way giving up on my health and fitness goals, but I am having to give them serious thought. If the mountain I choose to climb is no longer a half marathon mountain (and I’m not bowing out yet, just realizing it might be a strong possibility), then what is the new summit I will focus on? I like the idea of running races because it helps have a set goal, I run, I finish, I accomplish. I would like to find this sense of “goal, work, accomplish” in another form of fitness endeavor. I’m open to suggestions.

So what’s a girl to do when she doesn’t know what to do? Again, I’d love ideas (or inspiration), but here’s what I think…

Do something.

I DO something, because doing nothing is not an option either. At least in doing something I am choosing a path, even if, for now, I am not even one bit sure where it leads.

So today, my “something” of choice was Jillian Michael’s Ripped in 30. I don’t care for the monotony of DVD workouts, but this one progresses with four different workouts over the course of four weeks. Bonus – it’s only 30 minutes. I can handle 30. I am now, however, sitting here typing this with my leg elevated and an ACE bandage holding an ice pack on my leg. I’ll take care of it on Monday, but for today, I did something.

My advice, to you and to me….don’t over think it, just do something. It doesn’t have to be a perfect situation or time/length of time or location – it all adds up. I saw a perfect example of this in one of my friends. See looks amazing and started her journey about the same time I did. Except, she has done it with what she has. She tracks her food with my fitness pal and has a tread climber at her home. She also has two little ones with her full-time. She didn’t (unlike some people I know…um, me) feel the need to join a gym, or use the excuse of kids being around, or get a fancy new tracking device or…start a blog. She just did it. Nothing I could buy can replace sheer willpower and stick-to-it-ness. The gym membership, the fitbit, the shoes, the clothes, the iPhone arm band, the apps….none of it matters or sheds one single pound unless you are brave enough to do something about it. Each one of us is different – I prefer classes, which is why I joined the gym. I love my fitbit and iPhone fitness apps. They were never the problem, they are tools, not solutions. The solution, no matter how hard I want to fight this admission, is within me. It’s internal, and no external apparatus or promise is equipped to give us back our health and equilibrium as efficiently and perfectly as what we are already equipped with on the inside. Sometimes, it is just easier to find the coolest new app than it is to find our own internal drive.

So since I did a Jillian Michael’s DVD today, here’s a little quote of hers I’m fond of, “It’s not about perfect. It’s about effort. And when you bring that effort every single day, that’s where transformation happens. That’s how change occurs.”

Today, while I am still pondering and looking for advice on what to do when I don’t know what to do, I will try a little effort. Nothing new or fancy, just good ‘ol fashion effort (with a few fun apps and some good music thrown in).

The honest-to-goodness truth is, we live in and for tomorrows. It’s a concept drowning in cliches and quotes about how today’s a gift and how we should enjoy today so we don’t have a lot of empty yesterdays. I’ve heard it. You’ve heard it. But we are superbly crafty at ignoring it. And I was thinking maybe it’s because we don’t really know what it means. At least not all of us. The more limited our tomorrows, the more focused our todays become. Appreciating the now and not pining for tomorrow is great – in theory. But it certainly cramps my style when I’m trying to “put off today” what I assume I can do tomorrow. Isn’t that what tomorrows are for?

We also can’t spend our lives regretting and wondering if we lived each day to the fullest, loved every moment, caught every child-like smile and laugh. So where’s the happy medium? How do we appreciate the gravity of the here and now without driving ourselves nuts when moments inevitably pass without our fullest of attention and gratitude. Paying homage to today and all the beauty it holds is a practice and something we should remind ourselves to do, but all in balance and without regret (which would negate the gratitude). My suggestion is to give thanks – say it, write it, feel it, wake up in the morning reciting your gratitude list. Always include yourself in this list. Find a way to “do” love. Most people don’t have a problem saying they love someone, but “doing” love through small (or grand) gestures is a vital part of the equation. Don’t forget this includes loving yourself. To balance the intentions with the busy realities of life – always forgive yourself and others for forgetting to do both of the previous suggestions. Regretting yesterdays can be even more toxic then forgetting to appreciate your todays.

I mention this because it was almost seven years ago my dear husband raced his first 5k. No biggie, right? Except he had spent the previous year fighting for his life with doctors trying desperately to fix a broken immune system and stop the progression of a rare disease in his lungs. He was 28 years old. I fought the battle with him, harder than I’ve ever fought for anything. We won the battle, but the war never goes away. His illness will always be there, hanging over our heads and hiding in the recesses of our memories. I swore I would never take another day for granted. But I have. Lots of them.

I was sooo incredibly proud of him when I saw him cross the finish line that day, and as I sat in the stands with our two girls, holding signs and cheering, I was keenly aware I was the one sitting the bench. My body was otherwise healthy besides what I had done, or not done, to it but he was the one running the race. I told myself I had no excuses. My legs worked, my health was decent, I had everything going for me. I should be the one running the races. It took me almost five years to finally run my own 5k. I was very proud of myself for running it, but five years is too many tomorrows.

So when we got a call today about issues (probably nothing) but something being amiss with his numbers from his lab work I was instantly back in those dark days of fighting. I was catapulted back to the promise I made to appreciate my time. As far as we know nothing major is wrong, but it was enough of a reminder of how easy it is to forget tomorrows aren’t always ours. I don’t want to get to the end of my time with any of my loved ones and wonder if I could have done better. Spoken kinder. Loved more. Fact is, I probably could have. Life isn’t stagnant, it’s beautiful, wondrous, terrible and changing every second. But as long as I have more time, I never want to stop trying to be better, do better, speak kinder, love more. And when time is up, I won’t regret. Sure, I could have loved more and done better with more time, but in the time I had, it was enough.

So don’t be lured by the siren songs of tomorrow’s promises. Tomorrows can be wonderful, dream-filled places. The problem with tomorrow is, if don’t pay attention, they too will one day become the neglected “todays” we step on to reach for yet another tomorrow.