It’s harder to write when things aren’t going well.  Go figure.  It’s no fun at all to tell everyone my struggles and when I’m failing to do anything but just shine like a running super-star everyday.  But, to err is human, right? One of my favorite blog writers is Glennon Melton from Momastery and one of her big things is to lay all the truth out there, no matter what.  To be truth tellers and, in exchange, more loving and caring towards one another and ourselves.  But that is soooo hard to do.  I barely tell myself the truth about my shortcomings, why in the world would I want to share them??  Because, like I said here “I choose to share my struggles because, in exposing them, I can no longer hide behind them and make excuses for myself.”

Truth – I am only walking 2-3 days a week with only 1 day being 60 minutes.

Truth – I have only tracked one FULL day on my fitness pal in the past month.  I track morning through lunch, but then I don’t track anything during the “witching hour” until I go to bed.  Why?  Because it’s easier to ignore what’s in my diet if I don’t track.  Truth.

Truth – I make excuses at LEAST once a day (usually more) – I have too much laundry, the kids are sick, I’ll do it (eat better, workout, journal) tomorrow.

Truth – I’m jealous of people that make this look easy because they just “decide” to be healthy.  Makes me feel like I’m missing some important gene somehow.  So, on top of changing bad habits, I have a weekly (sometimes daily) struggle with keeping my ego and self-confidence intact.

Truth – I tell my kids they have to eat fruit for a snack…but I almost never follow my own advice.

Truth – there are so many truths left for me to tell, but for right now I’m not strong enough.  It’s a process.  I admire Glennon for just laying out her truths and baring her soul – and it sounds SO freeing, but truthfully, it’s really hard.

Here’s another truth – writing about how great this all is going to be is so much easier than doing it.  It’s like a longer version of the to-do lists I adore doing.  You’re just lucky you aren’t stuck here in the house with me like dear husband.  Here is a taste of what happens as I fight against myself (and him):

Week 1 of the blog:

DH “I want to read your blog and it’s good but I need more numbers and progress reports.”

Me “But is it well written?”

DH “You’re an amazing writer!  But you aren’t doing this to be a good writer, you’re doing this to accomplish a goal.”

I was NOT happy about my first remarks from him.  It made a lot of sense.  Now.  But at the time I took offense that he wasn’t just gushing over my prose and wit.  Who does he think he is asking for substance and results?  Oh wait…

Two weeks ago:

DH “Are you going to the gym?”

Me “Yea…” (giving him my best “get out of my face” face and voice)

DH “Alright!  Go get ’em!  Work hard!” And he proceeds to slow clap me out of the house as I get in my car and pull away.  (Honest-to-goodness I got slow-clapped out of my own house!)

I gave him the evil eye and pouted the whole way to the gym, but after about 20 mins of workout music and movement, my bad attitude lost out and I literally laughed out loud in the middle of my walk as I imagined the slow-clap cheer I got for just making it out the door.

Last weekend:

This was a tough one.  Basically I was trying to explain about being frustrated with not losing weight and my foot hurting and how this whole process just stinks.  Dear husband doesn’t always say things the right way or the way I want to hear them, but his heart is in the right place.  He basically said I wasn’t trying hard enough.  I got mad.  Then I got sad.  How dare he suggest I wasn’t trying hard enough!  After all, why didn’t he understand I couldn’t walk any further or faster because I was being patient with the process and hurting myself would be no good at all.  I explained, over and over, how my fitness level was so far below his he would never understand what it was like (which, to some extent, is true).    I went on and on…about walking, tracking, blogging, and about how I was right.

And I was. But so was he.  The next morning I went to a group weight lifting class (50 mins), then I came out and did the treadmill for 30 mins with interval speeds and inclines.  As the walking cleared my head that was marred by excuses and preoccupied with setting my own limitations, I realized I really could give more.  I may not be able to walk further or faster yet, but he was right, I am not (was not) trying hard enough.  At least not consistently.  One healthy meal and a 30 minute walk does not a healthy person make…

Today:

Me “I gained 4 lbs this week!  4 lbs!  It’s like I was trying to gain weight!  I walked and worked out and everything!  I’m not even sure why I’m going to all of this trouble!”

Ok, I’m dramatic and it’s yet another excuse to tell myself I tried “everything” but I give myself credit for telling him I gained weight because that’s a hard one for me to confess.

DH “Ok, well, it’s a process and it’s not a one-for-one exchange all the time.  Don’t give up.”

And considering his track record so far…I accepted his advice without a fight.  This small advice allowed me to work my way back to this blog.  I can’t stay hidden when things aren’t going my way or when I screw up royally.  Life is nothing if it is not change, so I won’t give up and, one day, things will change.

So here’s what I’ve done.  I can give myself credit for doing something, but I know it’s not enough…yet.

Saturday, May 24 = 45 mins – 2.52 miles

Monday, May 26 = 30 mins – 1.62 miles

Sunday, June 1 = 20 mins – 1.080 miles (today)